Children are not mature enough to accept criticism. When they do something wrong, you have to be wise, and help them learn from constructive criticism.
In the following article you will find different scenarios in which kids might get criticised and advises on how to correctly handle each situation. Here is the link to the original source: http://www.parents.com/kids/development/social/child-constructive-criticism/
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Critical Acclaim: Help Your Child Learn from Constructive Criticism
By Michelle Crouch from Parents Magazine
When your child is corrected for doing something wrong, help her learn from her mistakes.
Scenarios to Help Your Child Learn Constructive Criticism
My friend’s 6-year-old daughter, Caitlyn, was at her BFF’s house, and she began to whine about the board game they were playing. The other girl’s mom jumped in and told her, “That’s not how we talk to each other in this family.” Caitlyn immediately shut down and said that she wanted to go home.
No one likes to be criticized, but negative feedback can be particularly difficult for 5- and 6-year-olds. Even if the criticism seems constructive, your child may lash out, blame someone else, or withdraw, depending on the situation. However, you can help her understand its true purpose: to learn about her strengths and weaknesses and work to change her shortcomings because this will help her become a successful adult, says Parents advisor Jenn Berman, Psy.D., author of The A to Z Guide to Raising Happy, Confident Kids. These scenarios will give you pointers to steer her in the right direction.
Scenario: Your Child Is Criticized by a Teacher
A teacher wrote your daughter’s name on the board for talking when she wasn’t called on. Your daughter tells you that she hates her teacher.
Handle It Right. Your first instinct may be to punish or lecture her, but her heated response is your cue she’s already upset. A better approach: Empathize with her feelings of embarrassment, suggests Rebecca Cortes, Ph.D., a developmental psychologist at the University of Washington, in Seattle. Resist the temptation to have a lengthy discussion. Keep it simple with something like, “I can see you’re upset; that’s how people feel when they’re embarrassed. Sometimes when people feel that way, they also feel frustrated and angry. It’s okay to have those emotions, and while you can always talk to me about them, it’s not okay to express those negative feelings in the classroom.”
Scenario: Your Child Is Criticized by a Friend’s Mother
A friend’s mother told your son on a playdate not to call a toy “stupid.” You heard him reply, “Why not? My mom lets me use that word.”
Handle It Right. Yes, you’ve let him say the word on occasion, as long as he’s not describing a person. But a child who is ashamed about being reprimanded often tries to deal with the feeling by arguing or being belligerent. This is a good time to talk to him about how there are different rules in different places and the importance of respecting them. Give him the words to explain next time why he acted the way he did (“Sorry, I didn’t know about the rule”), and then teach him the phrase: “Do you mind if I ask why?” If he is curious (why shouldn’t he call a toy stupid, for example?), it’s a polite way for him to question something.
Scenario: Your Child Is Criticized by a Coach
The T-ball coach asks your child to stop daydreaming during practice, and she bursts into tears.
Handle It Right. Once she’s calm, help her see that the coach was looking out for her because she could get hit in the head by the ball or miss an important instruction. Ask her why she burst into tears. If she was upset about what the other kids would think, let her know that her reaction probably got a lot more attention than the coach’s initial comments. Then teach her an appropriate response, like “Got it. Thanks.” Says Dr. Berman: “Giving your child a response like that to use next time helps her take power back.”
Scenario: Your Child Is Criticized by a Classmate
A classmate told your son that his picture is messy. He responded, “Well, your picture is ugly!”
Handle It Right. First, you’ll need to help your child make sense of his emotions. Ask him directly, “How did that comment make you feel?” Let him know that you understand why he may have felt embarrassed — and even hurt. “You want to encourage him to accept, rather than dismiss, his feelings,” explains Dr. Cortes. Talk to him about how words can hurt people, and ask him how he thinks his own rude retort made the other boy feel. Explain that if he reacts angrily to a hurtful comment, he can end up doing to others precisely what he didn’t like having done to him — and point out that now two people will be left feeling hurt and upset. Give him some options on how to respond in the future if this happens. For instance, he can ask the boy why he thinks the picture is messy, or he could tell the boy that the comment hurt his feelings. You might also suggest he just say, “Well, that’s your opinion.”
Scenario: Your Child Is Criticized by a Family Member
Your sister tells your daughter that she’s not playing hopscotch the right way. Your daughter won’t let her explain and later tells you she thinks her aunt doesn’t like her.
Handle It Right. Her reaction may seem extreme to you. But if you say, “Honey, that’s ridiculous. Of course she likes you,” you may make her feel worse. Reassure her that her aunt loves her and that she only wants to teach her how to play the game according to the rules. “The trick is to get your child to learn how to handle criticism gracefully and learn from it,” says Parents advisor Michele Borba, Ed.D., author of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions. Use this opportunity to explain to her that criticism, although not always easy to take, is a fact of life. Help her practice how to respond if she’s in a similar situation again. For instance, tell her it’s fine to simply say, “Thank you” or “Okay, I’ll try,” and leave it at that.
Originally published in the March 2011 issue of Parents magazine.
A restaurant is first an foremost, a public place. It has rules of behaviour and etiquette. Learning how to act in different situations and places is important for children. Which is why you should read the following article that shares with us 8 ways to enjoy eating at restaurants with your kids: http://www.parents.com/kids/development/social/eating-at-restaurants-with-kids/
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8 Ways to Enjoy Eating at Restaurants With Kids
By Kirsten Matthew
Are you ready to let your child dine in a public setting? Try these techniques for a peaceful restaurant experience.
Some restaurants across the country have started banning children or implementing “No Screaming” and “Be Respectful” edicts for pint-size diners. Sure, kids can be unruly at mealtimes and they can make eating out less than relaxing for everyone in the dining room. But how do you teach kids to behave in a restaurant if they’re not welcome? Learning how to act in different situations is important for children — it improves their confidence and helps them develop social skills– and proper restaurant behavior at a young age gets them off to a good start. Whether you have a toddler or an older child, see if she’s ready to begin eating out in a restaurant. Prepare her by trying these helpful techniques for a stress-free outing.
1. Make Sure Kids Are Welcome
Not all restaurants embrace children; some are explicit about that, others are not. Play it safe and call ahead. This is a good opportunity to check that there is a children’s menu or something on the regular menu that your kids will eat. Some places will tailor dishes if they don’t have a children’s menu or leave out ingredients that are too complicated. Others go out of their way to accommodate small customers, with stroller check-in and portable DVD players to keep them entertained.
“Mealtimes are so important for families, especially in cities where everyone is short on time,” says Marc Murphy, who, as chef and owner of the Landmarc restaurants in New York City, has made his eateries both adult- and child-friendly. “I have kids, and I wanted to create restaurants that welcome families and that have enough stuff for kids to eat, but that don’t make adults feel like they’re eating at Chuck E. Cheese’s.” Just don’t wait until you’re sitting at a table to find that out.
2. Ease Slowly Into Fine Dining
If this is your first foray into dining out with the little ones, choose somewhere nice, not too fancy, and family-friendly. In the beginning, order just one course (skip the appetizers and desserts). “Most parents can gauge what their children can handle,” says Jessica Ritz, creator of Taster Tots LA (tastertotsla.com), a blog that lists child-friendly restaurants with adult-friendly food in Los Angeles. “By a certain age, some kids enjoy dining role-play too, like placing a cloth napkin in their laps.” Murphy adds, “Don’t underestimate your kids — they really enjoy being treated like adults!”
3. Eat Early
An overtired or over-hungry child is no fun for anyone, so hit your favorite spot in the midafternoon, after your little one has had a nap, or while the Early Bird Special is still available. The restaurant will be quieter, you’ll be less likely to disturb other diners, the waitstaff will be less frazzled, and (best of all) your child won’t be exhausted. “There’s no such thing as being too early to eat dinner in a restaurant with kids, especially if they are very young,” Ritz advises. A 5:00 or 5:30 p.m. dinner also means staying on track with evening routines and allotting extra time in case the evening’s plans get derailed.
4. Pack Your Own Distractions
Just in case boredom or restlessness sets in, pack a few toys, books, tools for coloring, or anything that will keep your kids quiet and won’t make noise that will distract other diners. Murphy cautions against electronics, though. “Coloring is fine, but please leave the iPads, iPods, DS games, and any other electronic device at home, Parents want peace and quiet when they eat, but the way to get that to happen is not to reinforce that children will get to watch a movie if they scream loud enough,” he says. Even though Ritz agrees that a low-tech outing will pay off in the end, she admits to pulling out the iPhone in moments of desperation.
5. Explain Expectations
Before you leave home, tell your kids what kind of behavior you want to see at the restaurant as a sign of respect to other diners. Even if your child is too young to understand, try to convey what you can or demonstrate what you expect. Expectations may vary from parent to parent, but children of all ages should be told to sit up at the table, keep the noise down, use good manners, and eat their meal with utensils.
Explain how long the outing will be (45 minutes is a reasonable goal if you’re just starting out) and explain that no running, shouting, or throwing food will be tolerated. “I can’t stand it when parents let their kids run around a restaurant because ‘they’re just kids,'” Murphy says. “That’s not a fun dining experience for anyone. If you don’t tell your kids how they should behave, they’ll never learn and you’ll spend more time chasing and reprimanding them than eating dinner.”
6. Think About Seating
Request a corner table rather than one in the middle of the room or ask your server where the least conspicuous spot in the dining room is. Your kids will be out of the way of other diners and more contained in a private area. This will also help keep any kids’ noises or disturbances from being too noticeable and make the overall experience more enjoyable.
7. Don’t Be Afraid to Discipline
If your children act up, act on it, but try not to make a scene. “The sound of loud kids is only surpassed by the voices of stressed-out parents trying to restore order,” Ritz points out. Remove upset tots from the table as soon as their behavior gets disruptive and take them into the bathroom or outside to calm down. But be prepared to leave if you can’t restore order. Your fellow diners and the staff will appreciate your consideration if you ask very nicely for your meal to be wrapped up to go, and stop the mayhem and take the meltdowns home instead.
8. Always Say “Thanks”
“What better setting for adults to model and teach good manners than in restaurants?” Ritz asks. Take the opportunity to explain how important it is to say “please” and “thank you” to waiters when making a request and to say “thank you” again to the restaurant host at the end of the meal. If the kids are old enough, teach them about tipping for good service, and get them to help count out the tip. “If you can spare a minute before you leave, make an effort to tidy up your area a bit,” Ritz says. “Especially if it’s a place you want to eat at again!”
Kirsten Matthew is a freelance writer whose work has appeared in The New York Times, New York Post, InStyle.com, and NYmag.com. You can read her blog at kirstenmatthew.com/blog.
Copyright © 2012 Meredith Corporation.
This is a sensible and, in a way, unpleasant topic. Unfortunately, traumatic events happen. With the constant hum of newsfeeds and social media, we are always aware of them, and so are our children. Kids are emotional, they worry more because their feelings are amplified by innocent imagination. As parents, it is our duty to guide them through unpleasant events that can leave a mark on their minds.
We found an article that might be of help, click on it, or continue reading it below on this page: http://www.parentscanada.com/family-life/how-to-talk-to-your-kids-about-traumatic-events
How to talk to your kids about traumatic events
By Sara Dimerman, Psychologist on February 16, 2016
It used to be a rare occasion that I would be called upon to offer an opinion or advice on how to talk to kids about a traumatic event. Unfortunately, the calls are no longer so rare, as our normally safe world is threatened by people determined to scare, hurt – even kill – those around us. Our little ones are not immune to the fear.
In an attempt to prepare for heinous acts or even benign threats, the very places that children see as safe havens away from home, have implemented drills to prepare students and staff in the event that they need to react quickly. Lockdown drills are common in schools, for example. If a crime is in progress in the neighbourhood, students are locked in their classrooms and told to stay away from the door.
Even though preparation is important, it can also engender fear and panic in young minds. Today, unlike the way that most of us grew up, little children feel a greater need for vigilance. And beyond this, catastrophic events – being reported in a much more pervasive way than 20 years ago – highlight the belief that the world is not entirely safe. Even young children are exposed to this news via social media, or as a result of hearing it from an older sibling. This has resulted in more children manifesting anxiety at an even younger age than years ago.
Despite our awareness that the world does not feel quite as safe as it did when many of us were children (maybe we were simply less aware of bad news without the constant hum of newsfeeds and social media), there are still ways for us to help our children feel protected and safe.
- Note When People Help Others During Difficult Times: This helps illustrate that there are many more good people to balance, or even outweigh, the bad.
- Note That Calm Usually Outweighs Chaos: As frightening as the event is, remind kids that there are still more calm days than chaotic ones. Remind your child that this type of event hardly ever happens (even though you might worry that it’s happening more often than before). Young kids don’t need to know the whole truth, especially when it’s so important for them to feel safe and secure.
- Let Kids Know Adults Have a Plan: Even though we prepare kids to know what to do in an emergency, we can remind them that adults will lead the way and that they can rest assured that they will not have to be in charge.
- Expand Kids’ Circle of Trusted Adults: Kids feel safer knowing that we are not the only adults who can help them. So, when you don’t arrive on time to pick your child up after school he doesn’t panic. He knows he can ask the teacher or principal for help. He knows he can call a neighbour, a family member or your best friend. Knowing that there are several reliable and accessible adults can help create a wider safety net and make your child feel more secure.
- Turn Off the News: It is our job to cut the news feed after a short while when our children are with us, especially if the crisis is ongoing. We need to be aware of how we talk about the event when our children are present, and how they are taking in the information.
Through The Ages
- Preschoolers: Very young children, especially those with younger or similar aged siblings, are more protected from the wildfire nature of bad news spreading across a school playground, for example. This, along with your conscious awareness of when and how to talk about any traumatic event, will protect very young children from worrying about them.
- School Aged: Once children begin attending school, they will start to hear about news and current events before you can tell them. In addition, some teachers may bring news events into the classroom with the best of intentions. Some children may respond to these events more emotionally than others. Watch for any change in your child’s moods and keep up on what is going on around them when they are not in your care. Then, try to deescalate the situation by helping your child feel that the world is mostly a safe place.
- Teens: It’s virtually impossible (pun intended) to keep your older child away from social media. So, don’t be surprised if he or she brings recent news events to your attention. Rather than having to wait for the next newscast or newspaper to be printed, we now get second by second broadcasts as they happen. This has many advantages but can also create a greater need for hyper vigilance and anxiety as your teen experiences and tries to process the news. Try to be aware of social media apps so that you keep up with your older child’s world.
Sara Dimerman is a psychologist, author and parenting expert in the Greater Toronto Area. Read more at helpmesara.com.
Originally published in ParentsCanada magazine, February/March 2016.
Parents typically respond intuitively to cues from their child, picking them up when they cry, talking to them when they are excited. What many parents don’t know, is that by simply responding to their baby’s cues, they are helping their newborn child’s brain develop.
Check the following article to discover 10 activities to help your baby’s brain development: https://www.parentscanada.com/baby/10-activities-to-help-your-baby-s-brain-development
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To illustrate what brain growth looks like, Dr. Clinton holds her hands six inches apart and moves her fingers about like tentacles to show what a baby’s neuropathways look like at birth. Slowly she brings her fingers closer together until they are touching. Then she overlaps her fingers and neatly clasps her hands together. This represents how stimulation affects a fully formed brain. These are the top 10 activities that will help build your baby’s brain.
Baby researchers have a term for the simple interplay between a parent and child. They call it “the serve and return” because, says Dr. Clinton, it’s like a game of tennis in which you play back and forth. “When they look at you, you respond by smiling or talking. That’s just what we know how to do as parents. You don’t need fancy tablets or flash cards. You just need to connect with your child.”
“Touch is a primal need,” says Dr. Clinton. That’s why babies love to be held. The late Clyde Hertzman, who was director of the Human Early Learning Partnership (HELP) and Canada Research Chair in Population Health and Human Development at UBC, said touching also helps babies begin to define their boundaries. “There is evidence to show that children who were neglected and not touched have real trouble defining where their personal boundaries begin.” Clyde said even the simple motion of picking a child up and putting them down is an important touch for babies. “They begin to be able to intuitively define where the self ends and where the non-self begins, where their body ends and where the next persons begins.”
At some point all children learn the game of throwing food over the side of their highchair and watching mom or dad pick it up. Through this simple game babies are learning about action and reaction and how to interact with their environment. “They love the anticipation of peekaboo,” says Dr. Clinton. “It’s all about cause and effect and object permanence. You’re teaching them that even when you don’t see me, I’m still here. That’s hugely important.”
Babies also like things to be predictable, says Adele Diamond, Canada Research Chair Professor of Developmental Cognitive Neuroscience at the University of British Columbia and B.C. Children’s Hospital in Vancouver. “They LOVE seeing their actions produce an effect and being able to re-produce that again and again, like kicking or pulling the string of a mobile to see it move or pressing on a button to make a buzzer sound.” Adele suggests giving babies challenges that make them work hard but that are still doable. For example, between eight and 12 months, you can place a desired object where the baby can see it, but out of reach, under a cloth, or behind a transparent pane. The baby needs to figure out that getting the object requires pulling on the cloth or reaching around the barrier.
Reading to your baby is one of the most powerful things you can do because it is multi-sensorial, says Dr. Clinton. “When you hold and rock your child while you are reading, it involves sight, hearing, touch and smell.” Studies show newborns even recognize books their mothers read aloud while they were pregnant.
The sensory experience of soothing water can help boost brain development. For an added bonding bonus, climb into the tub with baby to maximize precious skin-to-skin contact.
Introducing different scents can be a fun way to stimulate your baby’s brain development. Try applying lavender lotion during a nightly massage or take a trip to the garden to smell the flowers.
Parents often receive mixed messages about when and how often to respond to their crying baby. Crying is a response to stress for a baby and is the only way they have to communicate. When we pick them up, says Dr. Clinton, we are teaching them that the world is there for them, so don’t secondguess your instinct to pick them up. Babies who get picked up and soothed will likely cry less because they’re developing their own self-soothing techniques, said Clyde. “Children are influencing their environment right off the bat and you responding to the cues they’re giving is a huge thing. It’s telling them that you hear what they are saying.”
Studies show that, regardless of culture, men play differently with children than women, and babies benefit from both kinds of play. “While women tend to cuddle with baby, men tend to pick baby up, hold them out front and walk their fingers along them from the bottom to the top,” says Dr. Clinton. “It’s terrific because mom is soothing and dad activates excitement so the little one hears dad’s voice and gets excited.” This applies to grandpas, uncles and male friends, too.
By talking to your baby, you are helping them develop their vocabulary even when they’re infants. “All that babbling and cooing that’s going on early, that’s the child’s prelanguage skills developing,” said Clyde. “Babies express their needs and start to communicate in a variety of ways. Parents need to recognize that’s communication.” Studies have shown that the number of words a child learns by the age of three grows in direct correlation to how many words are spoken in the home.
Cuddling with your baby is as important as being active with them. “Don’t make it all about language and brain,” said Clyde. As with so much parenting advice, it’s all about balance. “If we’re frantically saying to new parents that they have to make every single moment count, their presence is being stolen by their anxiety. When you’re connecting with your child, think about what you’re doing with your child as a person, not about whether you’re building your child’s brain.”
Denise Davy has written extensively about children’s mental health, and recently won a journalism award from the Canadian Institutes of Health Research to study the link between poverty and children’s mental health.
Originally published in ParentsCanada magazine, May/June 2013.
Kids can be perfectionists too! While this certainly isn’t a bad thing, sometimes it can lead to a child’s frustration. At home, at school, looking up to parents, teachers and other classmates – it can create highly raised standards for oneself.
This source will provide you with advises on how to help kids achieve the sense of balance between striving hard and being too hard on him/her-self: http://www.parents.com/kids/development/social/perfectionist-child/
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By Tamekia Reece from Parents Magazine
Children this age think that they should be able to do everything exactly right all the time. Help your child understand that making mistakes is part of life.
A few months into kindergarten last year, I thought that my son Darren’s handwriting looked awesome — so much better than the barely recognizable letters on his preschool papers. He had a different opinion: It was “terrible” because it didn’t exactly match the examples his teacher wrote. I wouldn’t have been as concerned about his criticism if it were an isolated incident. But just weeks before the penmanship problem, he’d had a melt-down when he couldn’t remember all the stances from his first karate class. And when he recently had to draw a volcano for a homework assignment, he burst into tears and crumpled the paper because his rendition didn’t “look like the ones on TV.”
I chatted with Darren’s teacher and a couple of child-development experts because I was concerned that his behavior might be a sign of low self-esteem. What I was relieved to find out: It’s perfectly normal for some children his age to become obsessed with doing everything perfectly and start comparing themselves with their classmates, their teachers, and even you. “In kindergarten and first grade, many kids think there is one right way to do things, and everything else is wrong,” says Peter Stavinoha, Ph.D., a child psychologist at Children’s Medical Center in Dallas. “They have a hard time understanding why they don’t have the same skills as their classmates or even adults and why they can’t master something immediately.” So you have some explaining to do. Use these expert tips to help your mini perfectionist strike that delicate balance between striving hard and being too hard on himself.
Compliment the Process
Think about how you praise your child. Maybe you say things like, “Wow, I’m so proud that your team won the soccer game!” or “You tied your shoes perfectly.” When you constantly focus on the end result rather than the journey, your kid will think that success is what really matters to you, explains Michele Borba, Ed.D., Parents advisor and author of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions. Instead, help her realize that enjoying an activity and learning from it are much more important than winning or losing. Next time, emphasize your child’s effort (“You’re working so hard on drawing your picture for Grandma’s birthday”) or how much fun she’s having (“It looks like you had a great time playing Chutes and Ladders with your friend”). It won’t take long for your child to realize that playing for enjoyment can be just as much fun as winning.
Let Your Kid Make Mistakes
Darren writes his letters and numbers backwards once in a while. I used to point out the error immediately, but now I usually don’t say a word — even if the mistake is on a homework sheet that he has to hand in for school. “When you’re always correcting your kid’s mistakes, he’ll think that you want him to be perfect,” says Wendy S. Grolnick, Ph.D., coauthor of Pressured Parents, Stressed-Out Kids. “On the flip side, if you allow your child to turn in schoolwork that is truly his own, he can get comfortable with constructive feedback from the teacher. That will help give him the confidence that he can succeed without your help.”
Dare Not to Compare
It’s natural to want to know how your child is doing in relation to her classmates or even siblings — after all, you’ve probably been making comparisons since she was born. But try not to talk about it in front of her. When you say things like “Your painting was the best at the open house,” or “Jamie learned how to ride her bike without training wheels when she was your age,” you’re simply fueling your kid’s desire to do things perfectly. Sure, you need to know if your kid is on track developmentally, but save your comments for your child’s teacher or pediatrician.
Keep It Real
If your child thinks she should be able to get the hang of a sport or grasp a new math concept the first time out, she’s setting herself up for disappointment, says Dr. Borba. Use your family’s experiences to help her understand that even people she admires weren’t always as good at something as they are now. For instance, encourage your kid to ask her T-ball coach how long he’s been playing the game. Or talk to the dentist about how many years of school it took to get his degree. Also pick up a few kid-oriented biographies at the library. Two good picks to read along with your child: You Never Heard of Sandy Koufax?! and Who Was Walt Disney?
Finger-painting, Legos, Play-Doh, sand art, and other open-ended projects are ideal for helping young perfectionists chill out. Because there’s no right or wrong result, these activities foster something that’s important for all children to learn: There are usually many different ways to do things.
Point Out Your Own Imperfections
If you tell a kindergartner that he can’t be perfect, he’ll take it personally. He doesn’t realize that you mean no one can be perfect. To help him understand, note your own goof-ups, like when you accidentally spill the juice or forget to put something on your grocery-shopping list. “It’s helpful for kids to see that everyone makes errors,” says Dr. Stavinoha. Then model how to deal with your gaffes because children will watch your reaction. “Rather than getting upset about something that went wrong, convey to your child that mistakes are just part of learning,” says Dr. Grolnick. “Point out what you could have done differently so it won’t happen again.” It will take a while, but eventually your child will copy your reaction and not get so flustered or frustrated when something doesn’t go the way he’d planned.
Originally published in the November 2011 issue of Parents magazine.
Some kids naturally have tender hearts and cry easily. While this isn’t necessary a bad thing, sometimes it is important to be able to control your emotions. It is a skill every child can learn that will prove useful in his adult life.
Today we chose an article that explains how to help your children if they cry easily: http://www.parents.com/kids/development/social/back-to-school-how-to-help-kids-who-cry-easily/
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How to help kids who cry easily
It’s the rare preschooler who can fully understand his feelings and express them in words, so tears are bound to make an appearance at some point. But if your kid seems to cry more than usual, even over seemingly minor issues, he may just be genetically wired to be extra sensitive. Studies at Harvard University found that the 10 percent or so of babies who were the most upset by new noises and unfamiliar people at 16 weeks old retained their finely tuned emotional smoke alarm as they got older. Adds Parents advisor Michele Borba, Ed.D., author of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: “Some children haven’t yet developed that inner brake. When they get upset about something, all their emotions come right to the surface and they get a flash flood of tears.”
Such kids’ ability to feel emotions a little more deeply — while sometimes frustrating to parents — is also something to cherish. “Sensitive children may be overwhelmed by their own feelings, but they’re also very tuned in to how other people feel, and this makes them very empathetic friends,” says Dr. Dunlap.
The Right Reaction
If you’re at a birthday party where all the kids are happily eating cupcakes while your child is weeping because she got a blue one instead of pink, your first instinct may be to quickly make a switch for her. “However, if you jump in right away, she’ll lose confidence in her ability to solve her own problems,” says Dr. Dunlap.
Avoid the urge to tell her to stop crying — which will probably just trigger more tears, says Dr. Borba. Hypersensitive preschoolers are very good at reading their parents’ emotions. If you get tense, it tells your child that whatever is upsetting her really is something to get worked up about — and this models the very behavior you’re trying to change. One way to help your child get control of her emotions is by playfully telling her, “Freeze!” “Freezing helps a child stop and collect herself,” says Dr. Borba. Then suggest that she take a deep breath and blow it out through her mouth the way a dragon would.
Distracting your child by guiding him to another activity is also a powerful tool. “When my daughter was in preschool, it felt like she cried all the time,” says Melissa Morgenlander, of Brooklyn, New York. “One of her teachers suggested that when she felt tears coming, she should count to ten out loud. It’s simple, but it worked — by the time she got to eight or nine, she would always start to smile.” The counting method is a gold standard, agrees Dr. Dunlap. “At age 3 or 4, counting still takes focus and concentration, so whatever was upsetting your child may feel like old news by the time he gets to ten.”
Next, coax your child to tell you exactly what made him unhappy, so you can help him find a remedy. If he says, “I’m sad Joey doesn’t want to play with me,” ask him, “What can you do to make yourself feel better?” If he’s stumped for ideas, remind him of things that make him feel good, like inviting another child over to play or looking at a favorite picture book. With a little practice, he’ll soon start coming up with his own solutions, without any prompting from an adult.
Even kids who aren’t typically teary can go through emotional periods, says Elizabeth Pantley, author of the No-Cry series of parenting books. “If there’s been a recent change such as a move or a new baby, your child may become more sensitive,” she explains. Look over her daily routine: Insufficient sleep or poor eating habits can also be enough to make a preschooler feel irritable. Checking in with your pediatrician can’t hurt: Anything from an undetected chronic ear infection to a slight speech delay could make a kid quick to cry.
Although you might not be able to rewire your child’s sensitive personality, she’ll eventually gain the maturity to monitor her emotions and become more resilient. Believe it or not, peer pressure can be a force for good. “By age 6 or 7, she will probably have fewer bouts of crying, especially when she sees that other children prefer to play with her when she’s not in tears,” says Dr. Dunlap. My own little sniffler is still a sensitive girl at age 10, but she rarely sheds inappropriate tears in public any more. Instead, her deeply felt emotions come out in the way she plays the violin or the kindness she shows when she meets kids with special needs. She’ll even happily share a waffle if you ask.
Originally published in the November 2013 issue of Parents magazine.
When the children are happy, the parents are happy too. Spending time with your kids has a big influence on their happiness, but the 21th century lifestyle keeps parents busy. Life is a little bit more stressful and because of economic turbulence there is a need for both of the parents to have a job. All this leaves the parents with fewer occasions to spend time with their children.
Fortunately, there is a solution to every problem. This article will provide you with some advice on how to help children feel good and establish you as a great parent:
How to Raise Happy Children
Children – God’s unique gift to mankind. They can be angels or devils at the same time and bringing them up is joyful as much as stressful. With changing times, late marriages & having children after 30 years of age have a lot of positives and negatives on parenting.
Gone are the good old days when parents had a lot of time to spend with their children. The need for more than one parent working to survive the economic turbulence is the order of the day. Lifestyle has been changing so much that you get to meet family only at dinner time. The daunting task of parenting is to be dealt with keeping the welfare of the child in heart.
There is a solution to every problem. Time is what the children need most from you. Somehow in our hectic routines if we manage to spend quality time with them doing the things they like, they are content. Giving your child healthy food, keeping them occupied with books, toys and games, engaging them in extra curricular activities is what we would normally do. But beyond all that, a couple of hour’s everyday dedicated to them makes all the difference.
Here are many ways to make them feel good and establish you as a great parent:
1. Find inventive ways to make them interested in a routine. Show them fun ways to do a new chore, that way, they’ll try o be creative by making their other chores fun.
2. Keep your chores towards the end of the day, that ensures your quality time with them. Just don’t let it interfere with any necessary work you need to do.
3. Hear them out – they are as needy as they can be. Sometimes when you give them an order, let them say something first, because it may be really important to them.
4. Allow them to do their chores and help them out a bit
5. Children feel great when you give them responsibility of things, the earlier you start it becomes a habit
6. If your child is throwing a temper tantrum, be patient and leave them room – they automatically realize and come to you with a better mood – remember they have frustrations too!
7. Ask their help, advice, opinions on things like help decide your outfit, buying gifts, helping you cook etc. Give them chances to volunteer at recycling communities, a music program, anything of their interest.
8. Do not shout at them when they make a mistake, understand why they did it and gently explain the consequences of their action
9. Don’t nag them when they don’t eat, they will eventually come to you when they are hungry. Make eating fun, by telling them to think of bad tasting but healthy food, as candy or some other treat.
10. Don’t spank your child unnecessarily, for it would raise an aggressive adult. If you do get angry, then just let it pass. They’re eventually going to grow up, and anger with children would be the least of your worries.
Yes, kids tattle, though most don’t do it on purpose and the consequences are harmless. However, what’s been done once and never pointed as something to avoid can evolve into a bad habit. As a parent, you wouldn’t want that to happen. It is important to notice if a kid starts tattling and teach him to let go of this practice.
We browsed the web and found a useful article, which explains the anatomy of a tattle and how to prevent it for good. Here is the original source:
For a more fluent reading, we have included the content of the article below.
Why Kids Tattle – and What to Do
By Cheryl Lock
Don’t be worried if your child starts tattling – learn the real reasons behind it to prevent her from becoming a full-blown tattletale.
Four- and 5-year-olds are learning so many things at such a fast pace that they can have a hard time keeping track of everything that’s expected of them. When they do get something right, they expect everyone else to abide by the same rules. And when these perceived rules are “broken” by others, this can lead to tattling. It’s important to prevent tattling from becoming a habit or to stop it immediately, as it can cause unwanted issues with friends and teachers. Before you take steps to prevent it, though, you’ll need to understand the root causes. “There are a lot of reasons why little kids might tattle,” says Lawrence Balter, Ph.D., a child psychologist and parenting expert. “And while it’s usually [physically] harmless, tattling can be [emotionally] hurtful to the victim.” Here, we’ve outlined the common reasons why your child might tattle — and how you can help nix the behavior in the bud.
The Anatomy of a Tattle
It’s about rules. Young kids tend to be very literal, as their cognitive development cannot recognize abstract reasoning yet, Dr. Balter says. This means that when they do catch on to how to follow rules, usually at around age 7, they expect those rules to be inflexible, and it feels personal to them when other kids abide by their own, or different, set of rules.
It’s about attention or status. Often, a tattler is only looking to be noticed. If he’s feeling left out or abandoned, he may tell on someone to build up his own status or to make other kids look bad so he can be favored.
It’s about revenge. Most tattles are generally harmless, but occasionally a tattle can have a sinister root. “Sometimes it’s not only about raising status, but the child wants to hurt the other person,” Dr. Balter says. “A good way to get back at a kid who has hurt your feelings is to say something negative about [him], to get [him] in trouble.”
It’s about power. Some tattlers always want to be in charge. A tattler seeking power may likely have a strong-willed Type A personality and may want to put someone else in line.
How to Prevent Tattling
Once you understand some of the causes of tattling, you can work on preventing the behavior in your own child.
Point Out Tattling. If you and your child catch another kid tattling, use the opportunity as a teaching moment. “Bring the action to her attention, and ask what she thinks about what the kid is doing. Does she understand that what the child is doing is tattling, and why it’s wrong?” Dr. Balter says. Take time to talk about what the other child could have done instead of tattling (ignore it, walk away, and so on).
Explain Fairness and Justice. “Kids are so literal, and sometimes their tattling is about making the other kid look bad to get that sense of justice,” Dr. Balter explains. When talking to your child, say something like, “Sometimes people don’t follow the rules the way they should. I know it’s upsetting to you because you are trying to do the right thing.” Tell your child that she can’t change the way other children behave, but that the most important thing is always keep her own actions fair and just.
Explain Your Expectations. Explain that, although tattling on small actions is bad, it’s important to speak up if something appears dangerous. You wouldn’t want your child complaining every time Suzie steals a crayon from her, but you would need your child to mention if Suzie is pulling the dog’s tail, a harmful action. The difference between tattling because something is significant or dangerous and tattling on something that’s not is very subtle, and it can be difficult to expect a child to understand it. In Social Rules for Kids, author and speech-language pathologist Susan Diamond, M.A., suggests one way to guide kids on what to say when something could be dangerous: Explain to your child that she could say “‘I tell the teacher when…I feel threatened, scared, nervous, or hurt by a student or group of students.'” For the opposite approach, kids should practice saying, “‘I do not tell the teacher when…a student is not right, calls me a name, calls someone else a name, taps a pencil.'” Then help kids focus on what they should do instead, like “relax, focus on my work, ignore, [and so on],” Diamond advises.
What to Do If Your Kid Already Tattles
This might seem counterintuitive, but do not make a big deal about tattling. “When your child tattles, this gives you a chance to investigate what his motivation is,” Dr. Balter says. Don’t chastise him; instead, point out (gently) that if he keeps calling attention to his friends’ behavior in a negative way and getting them in trouble, they won’t want to play with him. You can try other tactics prior to a playdate. “If you know your kid tends to feel intruded upon and tattles mostly because he doesn’t like others playing with certain toys, designate beforehand what everyone will play with and what you’ll put away,” Dr. Balter says. “That’s one easy way to stop kids from running up to you and tattling.” One more thing to keep in mind: For kids around 3 to 4 years old, tattling can be a sign of exhaustion. “When kids are cranky and tired, anything goes,” Dr. Balter explains. Taking a short break for a nap, TV, or lunch could help keep the bad behavior at bay.
Copyright © 2013 Meredith Corporation.
Your child gives you vague answers? Your conversations are short and obscure? Don’t worry, it might be the “What” and “How” you ask.
For example, did you know that if you were to ask “What happened today?”, the child might feel overwhelmed? Because: “Gee, mom! A lot happened, where do I start?!”
Want to know more about getting your kid to talk about his/her day? Here is a source we liked that will provide you with more information and tips:
As always, we have added the content of the article below.
Small Talk: How to Get Your Kid to Chat About Her Day
By Karen M. Lynch from Parents Magazine
Sometimes you get “good,” or “fine,” or the conversation killer: “I don’t remember” when you ask your child about her day. Take comfort in the fact that she’s not giving you the cold shoulder on purpose. But if you know why your child clams up and if you have some tactics to help her organize her thoughts, you’ll be well on your way to getting the need-to-know scoop.
Conversation Stopper: Information Overload
A million things, great and small, have happened since your son got on the school bus, so when you ask “What happened today?” he may be overwhelmed. Should he tell you about the fire drill? The weird smell in the lunchroom? How he scored 100 on the spelling test? “He doesn’t know what kind of information you want, so he truly draws a blank,” says Adam Cox, PhD, author of Boys of Few Words: Raising Our Sons to Communicate and Connect.
Talking Points: By asking specific questions like, “Who did you play with at recess?” or “Who did you sit next to at lunch?” you’ll begin teaching your child how to scroll back in time and make stories out of his experiences, explains Dawn Huebner, PhD, psychologist and author of the What-to-Do Guides for Kids series. You’ll also be giving him a better idea of the kind of things you’re interested in knowing. If you want lively answers, ask fun questions: Best/Worst or Coolest/Most Uncool thing that happened is engaging, and it provides another way to help kids share the day’s events.
Conversation Stopper: Tough Transitions
Your child is straddling two worlds. “For a good part of the day she’s responsible for herself and navigates complex situations without your help,” says Gretchen Barber-Lindstrom, a Phoenix-based social worker. Then, suddenly, she’s back home where she can let her guard down and be a little kid again. “It can be hard to switch gears,” says Barber-Lindstrom. She might find it overwhelming to sort out the emotions of the day.
Talking Points: Let her have some time to decompress after school. Give her a snack and some downtime before you ask about her day. “Take cues from your child,” says Dr. Huebner. “If your specific questions unleash an eager flood of details, keep them coming. If they’re met with one-word responses, assume she needs more time to chill out.” Kick off the conversation by talking about your day — sharing your experiences will teach your child to communicate by example.
Conversation Stopper: Performance Anxiety
“Once your child enters first grade, he’s aware that you’re paying attention to how he’s learning and getting along with others. He knows he’s being watched and feels pressure to perform,” says Gene Beresin, MD, professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. This feeling of being judged can keep a child from wanting to share details about his day.
Talking Points: Try playing a game or reading together, and see what topics naturally arise. “Sometimes we try to get information too fast,” says Dr. Cox. Doing an activity together can help him feel less guarded. Telling you that he didn’t know an answer when he was called on in class is much easier when he’s feeling close to you. Withhold judgment. If your child feels it isn’t safe for him to share the low points in his day, he’ll shut down.
Conversation Stopper: Short Memory
At this age, your child is actively increasing his “working memory” — the process used for temporarily storing and manipulating information. He has limited ability to recall the day’s events at a later time. Working memory grows over time, faster for some than for others.
Talking Points: Chat up other parents and stay in contact with your kid’s teacher so you’ll be able to offer prompts such as: “Who was the mystery reader today?” Asking questions — even if you already know the answer — will help teach the art of the recap. Also, your child may not yet have a finely tuned emotional language, so opening up about things he felt during the day can be difficult. “Children usually respond to their feelings through action, because they can’t always identify the feeling,” says Michelle Maidenberg, PhD, the clinical director of Westchester Group Works, a center for group therapy. You can help build his emotional vocabulary by using words like excitement, anger, fatigue, worry, or frustration when you’re talking about his behavior so he begins to see that there’s a connection.
Why You Should Stop Solving Your Child’s Problems
When your child is facing a challenge, of course you want to swoop in and save the day. But keep in mind that at school your kid is figuring things out for herself all day long. If you give your child solutions, you’ll make her less resourceful. She’ll think, “If they aren’t like Mom’s and Dad’s, my ideas must be wrong.”
Helping kids solve problems for themselves, on the other hand, is empowering. “When you facilitate instead of taking over, you’re subliminally increasing your child’s confidence,” says Dr. Maidenberg. Ask questions like, “What do you think your options are?” or “What are you most comfortable doing?” If your kid believes she figured things out herself, it will be a self-confidence booster. When your child walks away from a conversation with positive feelings she will come back to talk to you again and again.
Are You Too Intrusive?
Even a 6-year-old needs some space. Follow these tips to walk the fine line between involved and intrusive.
Do allow your child to say he just doesn’t feel like talking, but don’t let him get away with ignoring you. Try to discuss why he’s uncomfortable about a particular subject.
Don’t barrage your child with questions if you notice she’s getting anxious or seems distressed. “Kids shouldn’t be put on the spot. If they sense you’re prying, you need to back off,” says Dr. Beresin.
Do ask your child if he’d like to talk about something later in the day, but don’t argue with him if he says no. Respect his decision to keep some things to himself.
Don’t bring up information you hear from secondhand sources unless it concerns your child’s well-being. “When it involves health, safety, or respect for others, there’s just no compromise. You have to talk about it even if your kid doesn’t want to,” says Dr. Maidenberg.
A child is comfortable at home, but soon he will want to explore the world beyond a familiar climate. He will discover new social groups in which he will interact with other people. How do you make sure his social experiences are harmonious and pleasant? By developing and improving your child’s social skills!
If you want to know more about how to improve the social skills of your child, here is a link we recommend:
As always, we have added the content of this article below.
Improving Kids’ Social Skills
Learn about the social milestones your child should have at different ages and the activities that can help enhance social development.
By Cheryl Lock
Not all kids need help with the same social skills, and what your child needs practice with could vary, depending on her age. “It’s important to know the normal developmental skills appropriate for different age groups so you can determine where the help is needed,” says Susan Diamond, M.A., a speech-language pathologist and author of Social Rules for Kids. The proper social skills that need to be taught can be divided into three stages: determining the social skills that need development, figuring out ways to teach the skills, and reinforcing lessons with the right resources. We’ll take you through all three stages and offer examples on how a child struggling with general shyness and social anxiety can become a friendly kid who’s comfortable and ready to handle any social situations.
Determining the Stages of Social Development
In general, kids will have developed certain social skills and social cues by these ages:
- 2- to 3-year-olds: able to seek attention from others, initiate social contact with others both verbally (saying “Hi” and “Bye”) and physically, look at a person who’s talking, have the ability to take turns talking, and laugh at silly objects and events.
- 3- to 4-year-olds: are able to take turns when playing games, treat a doll or stuffed animal as though it’s alive, and initiate verbal communication with actual words.
- 4- to 5-year-olds: are able to show more cooperation with children, use direct requests (like “Stop”), are more prone to tattling, and pretend to be Mom or Dad in fantasy play.
- 5- to 6-year-olds: are able to please their friends, say “I’m sorry,” “Please,” and “Thank you,” understand bad words and potty language, are more strategic in bargaining, play competitive games, and understand fair play and good sportsmanship.
- 6- to 7-year-olds: are able to empathize with others (like crying at sad things), are prone to sharing, use posture and gestures, wait for turns and are better losers and less likely to place blame, joke more and listen to others tell their points of view, and maintain and shift/end topics appropriately. At this age, however, they still can’t understand the clear difference between right and wrong, and may not take direction well.
Improving Social Development
Playdates are a crucial part of growing up, but kids with social issues can have a hard time making plans. “Having a playdate is a great way to introduce your child to the concept of using rules when a friend comes over and to teach him how to be polite to guests,” Diamond says. Discuss ahead of time any situation that could be uncomfortable. “Write a plan beforehand. Go over all the different things the kids can do together, and then have your kid offer his guest three activities to pick from. Have them take turns picking activities from there, to avoid fights and to help teach compromise,” Diamond says. “Talk about what you think will happen, what could possibly happen. You can even role-play and practice greetings and manners. If it’s necessary, write a script to help reduce your child’s stress.”
To enhance your child’s social development further, Lawrence Balter, Ph.D., child psychologist and parenting expert, suggests the four strategies below.
- Teach empathy: Run through different scenarios by asking your child how other people might feel when certain things happen, and substitute different situations each time.
- Explain personal space: Tell your child that it’s important for everyone to have some personal space to feel comfortable, and practice acceptable ways to interact with someone during playtime.
- Practice social overtures: Teach kids the proper way to start a conversation, get someone’s attention, or join a group of kids who are already playing together. These are all situations that can be discussed and brainstormed at the dinner table, or in the car on the way to school or activities.
- Go over taking turns: Sit with your child for at least an hour a day and play with him to explain what it means to wait, take turns, and share.
Reinforcing Specific Social Skills
Activities and games can provide additional help in developing specific skills, and you can reinforce your child’s social development and interaction by playing The Name Game and Follow the Leader. Researchers Sandra Sandy and Kathleen Cochran developed The Name Game to help young children learn the importance of getting someone’s attention before speaking. Have kids sit in a circle and give one kid a ball. Ask him to name another child in the circle, and roll the ball to that child. The recipient then takes his turn, naming another child and rolling the ball, and so on. The classic Follow the Leader game teaches kids about taking turns and practicing patience. Designate either yourself or your child as the leader, and have the follower(s) mimic the leader’s actions.
Dr. Diamond recommends these other activities for recognizing particular social cues:
- For nonverbal skills: Help kids recognize facial expressions and body language by watching kid-friendly TV shows with the sound off and observe what characters are doing and what certain movements might mean. (Just make sure to follow the media guidelines from the American Academy of Pediatrics, which suggests that kids watch TV for a maximum of two hours a day.) “Predict what you think they’re saying, and really start [observing] facial gestures,” Diamond says. “You can also look through magazines and make collages with different facial expressions, and talk about what the people in those photos might be saying.”
- For tone: To help kids differentiate a range of tones, “use a tape recorder and record different emotions in your voice and ask your child what they are, then explain how meaning changes with voice change,” Diamond recommends. For example, try recording phrases like “I’m angry!” in a loud, empathic voice, and “I feel so sad” in a soft, low, dejected voice.
- For attention span: If your child has trouble staying on point, pick a topic and say three sentences — two related to the topic and one random. Then ask your child to pick the sentence that’s off-topic. For example, bring up the family dog. Talk about how long he played outside today and what he did at the dog park, and then say something about the weather. Ask your kid to differentiate between the different sentences. “Also, at the dinner table, have your kid keep track of how many times the topic changes during dinner,” Diamond suggests.
There are plenty of good apps available that reinforce social skills. “Model Me Going Places” allows kids to look at photos of other children modeling appropriate behavior in certain situations (the hairdresser, doctor, playground), “Responding Social Skills” teaches kids how to respond to others and how to understand others’ feelings, and “Small Talk” presents conversation fillers for awkward social moments. But if your child still seems to have difficulty keeping up with the skills she should be developing for her age group, it may be time to give her a little help. “Some children have problems with impulse control and self regulation; some have a problem with processing information,” Dr. Balter says. “These issues can lead to [kids] having awkward interactions with peers.” So if social issues cause your child fear or make him feel isolated, seek help from your pediatrician or another child expert, such as a therapist.